Excerpt from ‘Licking Honey Off a Razor Blade’ by Valerie Grimes, CHt

A book on alcohol dependency and alcohol addiction and hypnosis

Available on Amazon and Medium

Chapter 24

All Aboard?

I needed to return to my hypnosis therapy with Ann to help get off the booze for good, I found myself drinking heavily again and was ready to stop completely. I was ready to the dissolve the trigger that created a desire to consume alcohol in spite of my conscious effort not to do so.

I was ready to be I control of alcohol and committed to a series of hypnosis sessions that would address exploration of the source of the drinking habit, part of the process included a guidebook to write about my experiences during and after each session.

I believed I had demonstrated I could easily accomplish that goal, because during the past year I have evolved into more of the person I was born to be. I saw Ann’s role as to be my guide in keeping me moving more towards self love as that was the solution to all of my current counter-productive behaviors and self-defeating beliefs.

I drove home from my appointment feeling powerful as if I had re-connected with a new sense of personal power. The physical feeling was a lightness, like my body was free, and lately I haven’t had the bloating or digestive problems that have followed me in the past.

But at home I opened my guidebook, and the first sentence was ‘Congratulations on your commitment to be alcohol free.’ A little bit of rebellion was stirring and I felt an urge to pour a glass of wine as I reviewed the booklet, I got up and went to the wine cabinet, empty. Good. My stainless steel teapot caught my eye. I filled the kettle, turned on the stove, picked the vanilla chai from the tea stash then got back to the book.

The first question was: Describe how you wish to feel one week into the program. Come on tea! Hmmm, I thought, ‘well not hung over’, but like Ann said that is putting focus on a negative situation ‘being hung over.’ Then I remembered she said to focus on what I want in a positive tone, in present tense and in first person. So here is what I came up with:

I feel clear-headed and energized in the morning.

I am mentally clear about being in control of alcohol.

Then remembering what Ann taught me, I changed it to:

I am in control of alcohol feeling free, happy, healthy and content.

The sound of the kettle pulled me back into my environment and I quickly prepared the tea and brought the tea cup back to my desk, as I set the cup down I read those wise words: Keep Calm and Carry On. I smiled.

Ann was asking about my level of commitment stating a high level pulls you through this, I feel I am committed, but there is doubt, so ‘I hope this works’ is what I said to myself as I paged through the book. It is really hard to think about me not drinking as it has been a part of my life since high school. How will I go camping in the winter without Jack? Those were the thoughts that ran through my head—and what will it be like to get asked on a date and not have wine—but instead tea or just water? Just water. Makes water sound unimportant, but it is our life force, like air, alcohol is ethanol, so water seems like the better choice. I continued to contemplate, ‘Being alcohol free seems unnatural.’ ‘Do people that don’t drink have fun?’ ‘How do they get through Christmas without Bailey’s and coffee?’ Crap no Bailey’s, I don’t know if I can do this! I began to get really nostalgic about booze and all the memories associated with, then I remembered the hypnosis recording for dissolving triggers, so I got up right then and went to listen to it, leaving my tea untouched.

In my mediation room, Ann’s soft hypnotic voice said, “Close you eyes and take three deep breaths, on the third breath you can relax as deeply as you can imagine all of your muscles releasing tension and fatigue….” The next thing I remember was silence and the feeling I took a nap. But I was clear minded. I got back to the guidebook forgetting about the tea or any other drink I needed by my side.

Before my next session I wrote:

I continue to think about alcohol however I no longer buy it. The cravings are different they seems to be more of a habit than a craving. Feels funny to just come home and not open a bottle. I realized something today. I think not having a guy that drinks will really help me. So far I haven’t been in a relationship where alcohol wasn’t in it too.

Under those questions was a chart about the amount of alcohol consumed on a weekly basis. Hmmm, I have to report in, well since ten was a normal amount for the week, some times more, I would be happy cutting that in half for the first part of my program.

A week passed, I did drink but it was different. When I was out socially and was able to stop after one drink, or just have water. The night before my next hypnosis session, I opened to the page with the chart and put a four in the column for amount consumed.

After my second session the amount consumed was still four, but much less than normal, so I was happy with that.

Ann mentioned I wouldn’t stop drinking completely until several sessions into the series, until we got to and resolved the source.

In today’s session we did a regression to find the source of the feelings associated with the need to drink alcohol.   I discovered I used alcohol so I can tolerate the men I choose to be with. And the source of this discomfort was years of feeling uneasy with Dad. That uneasy feeling led me to naturally pick men that I felt uneasy around.

But rather than noticing the feeling I just automatically drank to be able to tolerate them. There was nothing wrong with these men they were not bad people, just not good for me.

I decided it was time to not to drink for a while to see what I noticed around my guy.

Today’s session brought out a lot of anger for all the lost time, but also a sense of peace as I realized my pattern. I felt some hope that with the source of the need for drinking dissolved, maybe I really could be in control.

The session was really strange, I remember Ann saying to me, “Allow yourself to feel the feeling you had the last time you were with Salvador, find a memory when you were with him and not drinking.”

I allowed myself to reconnect to that uneasy feeling, like I wasn’t supposed to be there, didn’t fit in, he didn’t understand me, was really just interested in himself, I felt he really didn’t know me and that I had to be a certain way around him and to defend myself. I got in touch with the feeling that was coming from my belly, my heart also felt heavy.

She asked me to intensify the feeling, and then she counted from 5 to 1, at which time she said my mind would automatically go back to another time I felt that way, perhaps the first time I “learned to feel that way.” I wondered, ‘That seems a little far-fetched to me,’ and then she said ONE, I jerked slightly and was immediately transported to an old memory. I still had the feeling but it was coming from a different body (it seemed) and a different mindset. I knew it was me but she was not the adult me she was as I slowly realized my younger self.

It was difficult to see the images around me in that event, but I recalled sounds and smells and that uneasy feeling along with the sounds of laughter, loud male voices, and the smell of cigarettes and alcohol on every one’s breath.

I felt like I didn’t fit in, felt like I was an afterthought, I didn’t feel accepted I didn’t feel good at all, but everyone around seemed so happy.

Then came the startling connection. I was a baby it was my first birthday, July the 4^th. They were all having a good time and I was stuck there in this world of drunks, smelling their breath and even getting to drink because some of the men gave me beer. Beer eased the feeling and made an uncomfortable situation comfortable. In the arms of a woman juggling me, a cigarette, and a mixed drink, I realized I wanted to be a part of their world. A world that seemed so fun and carefree.

So that is how I learned to comfort myself in the times when I was uncomfortable…in time I would also learn to recreate the uncomfortable feelings so I could drink.

Damn.

By the fifth session I was proud to write zero in the ‘amount consumed’ column.

I continued to write about my experiences.

This past week, I had no desire to drink, I even went to a bar and danced and drank water. I loved it. I was so energized and connected to my natural self: free and fun. The next evening I went to see Marco, I had hot tea, he drank water (took my lead which I appreciated). I didn’t feel any discomfort and since I was clear minded I could see I was important to him. He wants things to play out and so do I. Play out means I don’t have to decide anything but remain ‘true to me’. Sex was beautiful and much needed. We had a connection that was equal in giving and receiving. He was glad to see me I could tell by his hugs and the way he was careful to not sound like it was me that caused our previous separation. He was starting to see that I need that physical proof he cares for me, so he is hugging me more. Anyway, I didn’t drink, and it wasn’t uncomfortable.

In our next session Ann asked me about my goals. What it means about me to be alcohol free. She asked me to think of them in terms of short-term and long-term as well as the outcomes of those goals.

I was prepared and my answers where quick and concise, “Short-term I want to create awareness of when I want to use alcohol and choose another way to satisfy that urge, long-term I don’t want to drink. And all of this gives me control, health, energy, and clarity of mind.”

Ann said, “Great.” Then asked, “What do you believe would or could get in your way of accomplishing these goals?”

“Well probably, my need for security, I think I also drink when I feel insecure.”

She corrected my language, “You mean, in the past you drank to fill a need for insecurity, but that didn’t work.”   And then she asked, “So in the future you what ________?”

I answered through a bright and beautiful smile growing on my face, “In the future, I provide my own sense of security!”

As Ann continued to talk about my goal my mind was wondering, ‘Security in a relationship?’ ‘To be financially secure?’ In the back of my mind, I knew Marco could not able commit to me and that was the insecurity I was experiencing.

With the original sensitizing event (as a baby) cleared I was able to see the more recent drinking triggers, security was the next one to dissolve.

On the drive home I think I hit every red light there was, but it was at the last stoplight that I blurted out loud and started to cry, “I just want to feel love and be accepted! But I keep getting into these fucking relationships where I feel I have to try harder to please.” I could hear Ann’s voice, ‘Valerie, your need for reassurance is immense, your desire for true love is overwhelming, and all of this leaves you feeling very insecure.’

The light turned green as I continued to talk out loud, which brought clarity as well a nice venting mechanism. “In order to get that need met to feel secure and be loved unconditionally, I must do that for myself first. I must fully love and accept my self and know that I’m the only one that can provide that security.”

At home I got my guidebook and completed the section on Life Balance, and realized my life balance wheel had a flat. It’s amazing I can roll at all with all the attention and focus on Sal and Marc to make sure they were okay. The three top areas to improve are sleep, joy, and emotional well being. The action to take was to create some new guidelines.

1 go to bed by 9:30, listen to my hypnosis recordings

2 go on a nature hike once a week

3 practice expressing feelings rather than drinking

The next hypnosis session Ann created a recording to strengthen my ‘commitment to self, my essential self’. It emphasized my need for security and protection and had me imagining myself at the top of a staircase with twenty steps down and with each step I strengthened and solidified my own sense of security. I am connected to the source and can create what I want. I also treat my time like precious gold.

As we were nearing the end of the program, the sessions began to focus on a spiritual connection. My home care assignment was to write out my thoughts about spirituality.

My spiritual side is the most developed part of me. Discovering the phases of the moon and being on the Goddess Path, as well as my study of Buddhism has helped me to view death as a beautiful transition and something to anticipate with a sense of peace and acceptance. I feel I have come to understand who/what god is or isn’t. God to me is no longer ‘conditional’. If I do this, god will grant that…that is bullshit. I have all the power, god gave us all the power and the church keeps us ignorant of that fact so we will need a church. My church is nature. All is in perfect balance, intention built in, and when we align ourselves with that, clarity, creativity, love and peace abound.

Spirit has taught me to get out of the way and relax. I used to think there was a better process, technique, something more I needed to know. I was never satisfied with my skills and education. When I found out that it is all about spirit, it is all about that relationship to spirit. When I stopped fighting, I let spirit show me the way to get out of my head and into my heart.

On the 9^th session and since I was still choosing to stay in my power and not drink, Ann had me write a New Personal Philosophy:

I am Valerie and I’ve become more of my true self that is more creative. Braver. And I’m more playful. Lighter. Also more committed to expressing love to my self. I am curious about and connected to the natural world. And I now love being alone.

In some ways I’m more patient with myself, previously my impatient side came out in situations I didn’t perceive I had control over. Hypnotherapy has taught me that I have control over all situations.

My level of compassion has increased for myself. I learned to have respect and honor my self and all that I had done and discovered. I see everyone as precious spirits, divine lights. My mom once said she silently greeted strangers by stating, “The Christ in me salutes the Christ in you.” Hypnosis helped me see the people in my life that I perceived to have hurt me, to merely be hurt themselves and I didn’t have to own that projection. Forgiveness has been something I have done a great deal of, and at this time, I harbor no resentments for anyone, any situation past, present, or future. I am Valerie and I love that. I get to be Valerie today and everyday.

My new personal philosophy was the first time I sat down and decided how I felt about myself and the progress I’ve made. It also showed me what the future could look like.