Excerpt from ‘Licking Honey Off a Razor Blade’ by Valerie Grimes, CHt

A book on alcohol dependency and alcohol addiction and hypnosis

Available on Amazon and Medium

Chapter 20

Which One Does He Chose?

Text message:

“I’m not happy, so depressed, so tired. May just have to drink again”.

In my attempt to teach him what I learned about getting off the booze, I shifted to his teacher, but still with the wrong motivation, wanting to heal him for me. Not for him alone with or without me. I didn’t see that at the time and so was still being disappointed and angry with him most of the time. I think Ann would have called that being conditional. I so wanted him to come back to Dallas so we could talk. So I would feel better.

“Sal, You were kiddin’ about drinking again, right? I don’t think it is something to kid around with. I love you and I want you in my life, whole, happy, healthy. I am willing to help you, but only if you come here, it will be to work on getting you well, and to play and to love and to experience ups & downs, but you must be wanting a new way of life or we won’t work. Please come home so we can talk. Valerie”

“Val, Yes we can plan on talking about a lot of things princess.  I know all you want is a quick weekend trip right now, but my sister is expecting the baby any day, if I left today I would have to turn back around so it just would not make much sense.  As far as the forever stuff, I do know where my heart is and wants to stay.

As far as the drinking, you know that I never ever, ever want to be in that state of mind or in that physical condition again.  But I cannot live scared thinking that if I want a beer or two or a glass of wine sometimes you feel that I am wasting your time cause if so then I am out.  I am only a human.  Love ya too, Sal”

I was slowly beginning to realize that as I became more aware of my true inner self, I could understand pretty clearly there was a good chance he was always going to drink. But I didn’t want to give up on him—or was it more about how I didn’t want to give up on myself? If I help him, I help me in some way. That is what I learned in my sessions with Ann. She calls it a form of projection; you can’t necessarily see your faults but can clearly see them in others and attempt to fix them. Unfortunately, that is what I have done my whole life. But now I am now trying to focus on me. It is just taking some time to turn this ship around. And I wasn’t ready to give up on him, I still can’t walk away from the possibility, but I was closer.

So I decided to continue to send encouraging messages to him and perhaps mirror those positive words back to me.

“Hey Sal, here is something you might find helpful, I did:

“Remembering that the pain, hurt, anger isn’t really you. You were not born that way.

“At one point in your life someone did something and because you were too young to understand, you created a feeling and then when that feeling got out of control, you found ways to numb it or express it in ways that were not truly supportive. Valerie”

Mostly he didn’t reply to my encouraging words. I suppose they weren’t as tantalizing as the previous sexy lures, but when he did it was notes like this, “Thanks Princess, see you soon.” Now, when I read that it made me feel conflicted and nervous. If he did visit, could–would I be able to tolerate him, would I even like him?

Our conversations continued. I asked him what he wanted from life, from me? And could he do that without drinking?

“my princess… I do want a great new life and have been doing all I can to work on me, but that does not mean we cannot enjoy a drink every now and then right?”

“Sal, only once in a while…I have had only 2 glasses of wine in eight weeks …I can take you there too.”

“Take me there too? IDK… have tried most remedies.  I may just have to stick to booze :) I am so tired.”

“If you are tired of what you’ve got there, then come back for a visit?” (I no longer said, ‘come home.’)

“I’ll be there April 1.”

Crap! I really didn’t expect him to set a date. I got nervous again, but by March 30 I had heard nothing. I thought I would feel him out so I sent this message:

“Hey Sal, are you coming by truck or plane? I’m looking forward to seeing your winning smile.”

He responded, “Just Fuck It, Fuck It All!”

Then he went silent. Meaning no text messages and he didn’t answer his phone.

During my daily meditation, I had this thought, ‘I created this illusion of whom I wanted him to be.  And what I realized was that I would probably be disappointed if he ever showed up in person because he would not match the man I have in my mind. That is what I did to comfort myself through our separation.  What is weird now is I don’t really feel like he exists at all. So am I in love with an illusion’? And I really didn’t want to put my energy and focus into something that wasn’t real.

April 1 came and went, and no Sal, but that was okay. I was relieved. However, one day he called to share with me that he had been in a fight, drove drunk and wrecked his truck and his eye is swollen shut from an infection and still not on a regular sleep pattern.

I quipped, “So you are too busy being an out of control asshole to come see me I guess?” He hung up.

Sal had no idea that I really wasn’t interested in being with him, but I felt telling him would take away any positive hope for his future, so I played along. But the way I played was dirty, I found myself still backing him into a corner.

A few days later my Shaman friend Miguel stopped by to help me with some home repairs. He left and so I decided to call Sal to apologize for referring to him as ‘out of control.’ He answered but said he was too busy to talk. To get back at him, I whined, “Well Miguel wasn’t too busy, he stopped by and we enjoyed a great conversation.” So much for apologizing.

Waiting for his reply I was saying to myself, Valerie, why didn’t you just say, ‘Okay I see you are busy; call me later’ and let it go? Remembering this man is not, nor has he ever been, a good communicator, so it isn’t necessary to punish him for not communicating well.

Realizing his recent behavior wasn’t supportive of a person working on recovery and since it was important to me that if I was going to have him in my life he needed to be working on recovery I decided to compose this email message:

“Sal, I see you getting worse, not better. You are only welcome here if you are working on being sober and taking back your life.

“My life is running clean and I want a partner that is too.

Before you can come here, you have to show me you want to be better, not fighting, not drinking and driving. That is not how I want to spend my life. Life’s too short.

“So, I’m going to stop calling you, and I’m going to start living my life at full speed, tired of waiting on something that is obviously not happening. I’m really disappointed in you.”

“Princess, I do not feel that I have to explain myself.  And am getting so tired of hearing how everyone is so disappointed in me for one reason or another, like I am not already disappointed in myself and depressed and suicidal.  People wonder why I do not talk to them and it is because all I get is being put down, I do a good job of that by myself already.

“I am not getting worse and have not been drinking that much.  But it has been a struggle.  And I know what you want.  You know how much I care for you and I know the attention you need Val, but I am focusing the little energy I have right now on myself so I can succeed and make you or someone happy. This shit is hard.  I spend my days and nights alone reading and working out.

“Start living your life full speed princess.  I am just getting into gear and you know that.  And just a few weeks ago I still have the email you preached how you would be patient with me and understood, etc.  I am here because this is my biggest support system.

“It’s killing me to stay but if I took off when I wanted to, I would have fallen right back into the old ways for sure.  It is kinda like doing 90 or 120 days in rehab.  I’m stuck in my room reading, praying, crying, and doing a few meetings.

“I am sorry you are disappointed in me, but I know me and that this painful struggle and sacrifice gives me the better chance of sobriety. S”

It was pretty clear. He said ‘Val,’ go ahead and ‘live your life.’

This was the first time he didn’t mention us as a couple and seemed to refer to me as only an escape for him.

The jig is up.

I was asking the goddesses to help me let him go; and they knew it would be easier for me if he let me go. Thank you mother goddess. I honestly think the thought of him living without booze is too much. So perhaps after all of this, he is still choosing himself for now. That is all I really need to know.

I called Cheryl for another appointment. I was ready to live my life to the fullest, without the thought of him. In that session we figuratively disconnected the ‘power cord’ between us and I imagined reclaiming all the lost energy and power I willingly gave away. Then she gave me a recording of the session that contained positive suggestions about my worth, confidence, self-love and ability to be available and attainable for the ‘just right’ man for me.