Excerpt from ‘Licking Honey Off a Razor Blade’ by Valerie Grimes, CHt
A book on alcohol dependency and alcohol addiction and hypnosis
Healing with Hypnosis
Ann and I had made a great deal of progress in my connection to the source of my issue so I decided to continue with my work with her. On the day I was about to call her for another appointment I received an email from a hypnotherapist in California about ‘Relationship Strategies with Hypnosis’. My intuition told me I needed that appointment, but it was two weeks before we could schedule it. I want to be this busy.
It gave me some time to prepare for what I wanted to accomplish and sent this email to her:
I need help letting go of continual thoughts about Salvador. I need direction. I feel I need you to tell me what to do. Even though I had voiced to him it was the end, I am hurting and fantasizing about a future life together even though history proved this to be impossible. I want to be more open and connected to my spiritual side, and to further develop a healing relationship with my child self so I don’t attract another man like this. Also, I am drinking again after not doing so for about six months.
I have been working with a local hypnotist on inner child and self esteem, but I was intrigued by your work in the area of relationships. As I keep picking men that are unavailable to me.
In my phone session Cheryl asked me why it was important for someone else to tell me what to do.
“I have always sought direction from others because on some level I don’t trust my instincts fully,” I confided, “It is like there is a part of me that gets that he is sick and that being with him is destructive to me and to my health and to my business, but there is another part–the part that usually wins–that feels drawn to him, that wants his attention, wants him to be okay, to be normal, to have a life together. I feel like two different people. When I am away from him, I feel independent and when I am with him I feel dependent and uncomfortable.”
She replied, “Tell me about how your other romantic relationships ended?”
“Well, there was Dan. I broke up with him after eight years because he drank too much, but he did treat me like a princess and taught me a lot about my little girl qualities of innocence, beauty, creativity, and fun. He let me get my way though, so where is the challenge in that?”
“Then Richard, we were married for eleven years, he was basically a wounded bird that I nurtured and then became weary; we grew apart; he didn’t like that I was changing so we divorced.”
Before him there was Rob, a drug addict.
“How did those relationships end?”
“When I realized I couldn’t change them, the situation became so unbearable that it had to end. It was always my decision, and it always took me longer to make that decision than I wanted it to, so I would drink so I couldn’t feel, but that just dragged out the process. If I had felt anger I would have used that emotion, that anger as action to create change. But, change was also scary, so I drank more.”
“Yes change can be scary,” Cheryl replied. “Have you ever been alone?”
“No. No, I haven’t. I’ve always had a husband, sometimes a husband and a lover, or a boyfriend, usually two boyfriends. Now that I think about it, I really haven’t been in a monogamous relationship or been without a boyfriend.”
“Even with Salvador?”
“Yes, even with him, there were other lovers during the past two years.”
“What do you gain from all of these men?”
“Attention. I wanted attention. When Sal and I split up or he is ignoring me, I can’t stand it. It happens naturally. I’ll just be at a coffee shop, or a networking event and there he is—a man that is special at least for a little while.”
“Did Salvador know about these men?”
“Yes. Yes, I told him.”
“How did he respond?”
“He said I was cheating, but I reminded him we are not in a committed relationship.”
Cheryl introduced to me the concept of Sexual Suggestibility. She learned this from Dr. John Kappas and suggested I study more about it. Through thirty years of behavioral therapy, he classified two groups, Physical Sexual and Emotional Sexual. I scored 76% physical in the evaluation, and the key point there is that a Physical needs physical proof that they are in good favor or loved by their partner. I have always sought that physical proof to the point of driving my opposite, the Emotional Suggestible away from me. An emotional needs space and I seldom gave that because my need for their attention was immense.
The other important characteristic is that for a Physical, their relationship is the most important thing to them and when things aren’t going well their business or career takes a hit. Learning this gave me so much peace, and I no longer felt I was crazy. And it allowed me to see that the men in my life probably did really love me but didn’t demonstrate it to me in a way that I interpreted. She told me that an Emotional shows love my doing, not saying. Which is fine except there is also the way I take in information which is literally—so the actual words, “Valerie, I care about you” meant more than, “I asked you to go to the movies” or “I called you yesterday to check in” does.
In the hypnosis session, I conducted an internal dialog with the part of me that needed attention. It was very powerful. After that session I felt more confident that I could meet someone and also felt knowledgeable that I would have the tools to work through the relationship so it was mutually beneficial.
For homework she suggested I make a list of what I currently have in a relationship with Salvador and another list about what I really want. In the follow-up session she asked what the experience of the homework was like.
“It angered me, or maybe more of an annoyance to have to do this. I knew you were probably right, but I didn’t want my fantasy to be over, because I wasn’t sure what it would be like to give him up or to give up on him.”
-no financial stability
-doesn’t deal in reality
-wild, not ready to settle down
-sketchy past, liability
What I WANT in a man
-get along well
After reviewing the lists, Cheryl asked me what had changed since our session.
My reply surprised me, “I WANT MORE.”
In that session, she connected me with a feeling of deserving more, being open to receive and to have the mental focus and keen intuition to protect myself, and to begin to value myself, to love myself in a new way. And the urge to drink alcohol was tamed.