Beating a Dead Horse.
Excerpt from ‘Licking Honey Off a Razor Blade’ by Valerie Grimes, CHt
A book on alcohol dependency and alcohol addiction and hypnosis
Beating a Dead Horse
During his last days in Dallas, I recorded a video of the scene of Salvador in the tub and watched it the day after he left. It seemed surreal although there was my backyard, my voice off camera, my nervous laughs in between his discursive statements and the image of a worn-out man, with a little sparkle left in his distant eyes and a smile here and there. He was naked, lying back in the cattle trough. In between gulps of Bud Lite he spoke to the camera I held, “Even though I have a broken bank account and had to leave my place. I have a beautiful girlfriend and I feel fulfilled. I know I had to leave my place—it was going to end—I was going to end if I didn’t get out of there,” takes a long slow drink from the bottle of Bud, “But I’m not ready to end. That water park was too nice,” his voice trailing off on that last part. Camera cuts off.
Over the next several weeks, I watched that segment several times and wondered what it all meant. I could see how disturbed he really was. He seemed really strung out, like he has been on cocaine. I now saw him as others had and it was easier to see now how for the past two years I had been beating a dead horse.
With him gone I was free to focus on the things I’d been neglecting. Me.
The first thing was to finish painting the den. I chose bright yellow and bought other citrus colored access pieces: green and orange pillows, a pink table and a lime green chair. The room became bright and cheerful and made me smile each time I came home. Next, I got a new hairstyle, a totally new look. And my sleep pattern was restored. And the beds in the garden were ready for the fall plants.
Feeling connected to a new sense of power, I wanted to communicate that strength to him.
For the past two years I have lived a fantasy life. I had a vision of how I wanted us to be. It was delusional and it cost me a lot of time and lost focus on my biz. Not sure why I went down that path, but I did.
It was like a light got switched on the other day, and I realized I was beating a dead horse, just like with Dan and my husband before him. Seems I keep picking men that I want to change and that are incapable of changing.
So at this point, don’t change for me, or anyone else, but I hope you change for you and your future health and happiness.
We really are done as a couple (the thought of that now doesn’t make any sense to me). I’ve crossed over to reality.
Thank you for loving me the best you could.
I was great when it came to ‘talking in print,’ but following up my actions in person was hard because of my subconscious urge for his attention. My mind would play tricks on me in the evenings when fantasy took over about how we could be together, and those fantasies would last several more months even though I would soon find someone else to take his place.