Chapter 11 Florida Break For Two
Excerpt from ‘Licking Honey Off a Razor Blade’ by Valerie Grimes, CHt
A true story about alcohol addiction and hypnosis
Something had to change. I felt like a character in a relationship themed Groundhog Day. But in spite of my patterns, very positive things were happening, things that made me feel special, selected, and purposeful. There were those ‘Aha’ moments with clients when they realized the source of their obstacle. There were beautiful friendships and family gatherings and my solo hikes where nature seemed to jump out on the path and get my attention with a connection or insight. All of these events kept me on a sort of golden path. Then there were the free trips.
“Hey sexy, my best friend Diane invited me to join her, all expenses paid, so we’re heading to Destin in a few days.” I remembered being in a very strong and confident place that day. He asked me to come over before I left, and I said no, and it felt good. Later that day as I started to realize I really did want to see him before I left, I called. No answer.
He called back about an hour later and said he was coming to see me. Excitement hit, then reality took over (there were already several times he promised to come see me and then didn’t). I told him I would believe it when I saw it, he assured me he was on his way and that he missed his princess. Deep down I really wanted him to come, but beginning to recognize his patterns I knew he loved to disappoint me. He said he was un-spoiling me from all those years with my previous boyfriend. He never showed.
The next morning I called, “What in the hell are you doing?” He replied, “Sittin’ in the Atlanta airport,” I closed my eyes even though I was driving, my heart pounding. And all I could say was, “I’m getting off the heroin and hung up.” So rather than coming to see me, he caught a flight and was heading to Florida too. But he was heading back to Ft Lauderdale and I to Destin. Later that week, we exchanged phone pics of the places we were staying and then didn’t communicate.
There were moments in Florida even in a house on the beach with four other women around that I felt lost without him. Why? I have no fucking idea. Just couldn’t stand not knowing where he was or whether he was okay. This was a peaceful scene with loving women with stories to share, where was the chaos? I missed the chaos. I had lost my addictive substance, so I drank, a lot, but not so much that I couldn’t run an hour on the beach each morning.
When I ran it was a powerful connection to my true strength; the fog lifted. I like to smile when I run because all the other runners look so miserable. And it feels good. It is one of my natural expressions plus running makes me feel free, and that makes me smile even more. But my smile stopped as I ran by the strange combination of shells, sand, water, plastic bottles, beer cans and a lone flip flop. Garbage dirties the natural beauty in a way like my trashy thoughts dirty my true nature. I really want to stop this crazy thinking that Salvador and I belong together, that I can heal him.
I recalled Diane saying, “How fucked up is that?” And that made me smile again as I become stronger, running faster, getting clearer, running away from the trash and into the water as it broke around my feet, faster and faster, REM in my ears, loud, I’m a machine, running away from the garage in my life, the trash in my head, water splashing me, refreshing me, running towards clarity.
Back at the beach house, recovering on the porch with a bowl of fruit and yogurt, I realized I don’t really like Hispanic men even though it seems that is all I attract.
In the beginning the ones I pick are charming, like Banderas, when they are romancing you, but with deep-seeded problems that are lifelong in the background, buried so you can’t see it. And problems are fine I guess because we all have them. But my guys seem to be raised and taught not to recognize or even to deal with them, and this is why they drink, whore around, live in complete denial and are incapable of having a healthy relationship. And that is why they are so alluring because they are unattainable, just like my Dad. (Oh, wow Valerie there it is).
But just then, Diane appeared, with her bright smile and alluring blue eyes. “Hey Valerie, you look exhausted, HA! So let’s go. We are going for lunch. I’m buying. I want to get some things from the gift shop too.”
I was exhausted, “Sounds good give me a minute.” I washed my face and used my wet hands to ‘fix’ my hair. Beach life is so easy.
During our lunch I announced I had decided to start dating a man named Mike when I returned to Dallas. He was an older, wealthy guy with a convertible. Yes, all the stuff, but he was also very respectful of me and very seemed very generous with his time.
She listened carefully and asked, “So you’re done with Salvador?”
“Yep I’m done! It is time for a change, and this trip has shown me that.” She smiled wanting to be supportive, but also knowing she had heard my declarations before.